Ezra.

"one could not distinguish the voice of the shout of joy, 

from the noise of the weeping of the people;...."

Ezra 3:13

Coming from one of Pastor Allen's previous messages, he spent a whole night talking on this verse; how the priests had restored the holy altars, and all the emotions were so overwhelming. The weeping of the people was merely bittersweet; they were restoring the temple the altars, what was most sacred to them. Then Pastor Allen said something that will resonate in my mind for years to come.

"If tears and laughter can come so close together, maybe joy from your sorrows is closer than you think".

untitled poetry #4

finding your heart

among angels

hope is rising

within me

your heart is half

half is mine

hope has risen

among angels

my heart is half

half is yours

hope has risen

the angels rejoice

thinkings.

I love differing opinions. Yes it causes much strife in this world, but when we can talk about them in civilized ways, it truly makes either side more intelligent. It makes us human.

We would be so boring if we all had the same opinions. So there.

untitled poetry #3

this way to nowhere

your reality is found

clouds point the direction

in daylight, in sunshine

fire points the direction

in darkness, under moonlight

underway, the traveling begins

the way to nowhere

is lined with trees

trees with no leaves

bare as a reminder

this season has changed.

Senses.

We have five of them, so here's five random sentences about my five senses.

Seeing.

I love the comic strip Pearls Before Swine. I have a daily calendar and I catch them in the paper. They're amazing.

I love watching the weather. No, not the weather channel (booooring!). The weather. Outside. Whether it's windy, raining, snowing, it's a feast for the eyes.

I love watching kids play on playgrounds.

I love looking at a complex math problem and making it work.

I love looking at art. But I rarely visit art museums. Because I don't look at one thing for long.

Smelling.

Fresh sheets.

Pumping gas.

After a thunderstorm.

Fresh bread (who doesn't?)

Food. In general.

Tasting.

Coolwhip (I've downed a whole tub before, it's that good).

A good salad.

Noodles.

Peanut butter straight out of the jar.

Health food (not all of it for sure, but a lot of it).

Hearing.

Music. Of all sorts.

Weather. Again. Especially thunderstorms.

Coffee shops. They always sound good.

Whispers. Particularly the ones finding my ear.

Bells. Any kind.

Feeling.

Barefeet. I HATE socks. Shoes are necessary though. But anytime I can, it's barefeet.

A human's touch.  

Fresh paper.

My fuzzy blanket.

Warmth.

he loves us.

We are His portion 

and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption

by the grace in His eyes,

If grace is an ocean, 

we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth 

like a passionate kiss,
And my heart turns violently 

inside of my chest,
I don’t have time 

to maintain these regrets, 
When I think about, 

the way ... 

He loves us. We as human underestimate this fact way too much. People there is a God out there that created us in his image and made us his choice possession out of all the beautiful things he created on this earth. Us! Filthy, unclean, undeserving sinners. Yet he loves us with more love than anything, anything we could even start to fathom!

He loves us.

Sorry. Random.

Hi. My name is (it doesn't matter), I hate wearing socks and I am extremely ticklish.

What little hope I left aside for our president is quickly fading. All the radicals saying he's so amazing need to settle down just a bit. We are not going to be able to cut our national debt in half by spending like there's no tomorrow. The media like him ... too much. That's all I ever see anymore. It drives me up the wall. And since when has it become a positive thing? with our previous president, the media and the press had a hayday with his problems. With the current situation, they push those things under the rug to put in happier stories such as some basketball player giving him one of his autographed shoes. I didn't need to know that. Good to know the media takes sides. Grrrr.

ps I'm in a very happy mood right now. 

more opinion.

Drinking.

No kids this isn't the "drink 8 glasses or half your body weight in ounces of water" kinda drinking, I'm talking alcohol.

Truthfully, I don't have a problem with it. I don't consider it wrong, I don't consider it a sin, I don't think it should be something condemned --- within reason. But I do believe that its something that should be used with extreme caution.

I take into consideration a few things. People drank quite frequently in the bible. Then again, sometimes clean water that didn't taste like mud was hard to come by. So they made their own beverages such as wine. But these drinks were hardly enough to even get a buzz off of. If my memory serves me right (correct me if i'm wrong) it took 8 cups of biblical "wine" to equal a glass of modern day wine. So when the bible says someone got drunk, it took them a looong time to get that way. In modern day, it takes a lot less for you to start heading downhill. So for today's average human, we have to use extreme caution.

Second of all, 1 Corinthians 6:12. "All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything". So to break this apart, all things are lawful.  Ok, and not all things are profitable. There is profit to light drinking, certain health benefits come from drinking, but when it comes to the "I will not be mastered by anything" part, this is where most people falter. I have witnessed first hand the effects of people letting alcoholism control their lives. It truly is a depressing thing. But if we are willing to put forth a little self-control, I think we can look past the dark and see that there actually is a little light. 

This is not to say "go and drink your heart out". No. That's wrong. Moderation is key here.

I've chosen not to drink yet because, well first I'm underage and I choose to abide by the law. Secondly I'll admit I don't want to drink with people my age. They end up drunk, hungover, and sometimes in situations caused by a temporary lapse of thinking ... and I think you know where I'm getting at. When I finally get that chance to grow up, it may be something I start. Then again I may abstain. I'm not sure about that one yet. But I think it'll all come down to my husband. Yep, I am a submissive person. If he drinks, I'll probably drink. If he chooses not to, I will 100% back him and gladly be as one with him. If he's a heavy drinker, well, I won't even be in that kind of relationship. I am reminded of the verse "Wives, submit to your husbands..."

Conclusion, let the last part of 1 Corinthians 6:12 be your guide "...but I will not be mastered by anything". Don't let alcohol be your master. Don't let it own you. But if you proceed with caution and use it to your advantage, I think when used wisely, drinking can have advantages. Only minor at best though. But sometimes even minor advantages are valuable things.

Why I wait.

Ephesians 5:31

"...and the two will become one flesh". I was doing a little studying up on this topic and come to find out there is not a whole lot of biblical meaning to a wedding ceremony; it was always a wedding feast or party. Yes you have the piece of paper to prove that yes indeed you are married. But back to the verse. I'll put it this way ... God intended sex to bind us in marriage. It's giving of our bodies ... the biggest of sacrifices ... to each other. When a man and a woman come together like this, they are then considered one flesh. So to have relations with another like this is truly giving of your whole self, and if it ends up in a broken relationship, what happens then? It's a broken relationship at the deepest level, the deepest level of spirituality, the deepest bond created by humans. In the dictionary, purity is defined as "free from guilt, evil; innocence". I can't imagine the guilt that would follow a breakup of the joining of flesh.

This is why I wait.

White.

I like white things.

Coolwhip.

Snow.

Fresh paper.

Miraclewhip.

White paint.

A wedding dress.

White roses.

Lotion.

My happy shirts in the mail.

The whites of your eyes.

That color that you get when the sun reflects on the ocean.

Sand.

Me in the wintertime.

The backs of stickers.

Clouds.

Marshmallows.

Fresh sheets.

Mashed potatoes.

Swans.

White chocolate anything.

The inside of a ding dong : D

Cake.

And its frosting.

2% milk.

Lines on the road.

The moon.

The stars.

Flag of surrender.

More to come folks.

um.

So a little bit off my rant. I hate feeling belittled by people that I care about. There is a difference from constructive criticism and belittlement. I accept constructive criticism gladly. Belittlement is a frustration. Yes these are words you hear all the time .... "God made me unique, you unique, it makes us each as special as the rest". Sigh. Stop putting yourself on a pedestal and thinking that picking on a vulnerable and easily beaten down person like me will make you feel any better. God won't allow it to work that way.

I'm bitter at the moment. With God's help I can fight my way through this. With mans help ... But wait ... there is no help to be found within man. So by God's strength alone I shall find comfort and rest.

Amen.

teenage rants.

yep, I like them. Good to let off steam every once and a while. So if you don't want to hear a rant, with all do respect don't read this. But if you'd like to hear what i think, then by all means read ahead.

People need to stop being so vocally judgmental.

and not like this is very obvious to the judger either. they intertwine it with their normal conversation. its annoying. so...

stop judging my school. yes being home educated has its drawbacks but I stuck with it for a reason. Just because you believe different doesn't make your way of education any different or better than mine.

stop judging my music. yes I may not be the brightest piano/keyboard player of the bunch, in fact i know so, but don't be telling me that in my face. I don't tell you that your fashion sense is despicable, or your paintings are horrific, so don't go condemning my music. any music played for God is music in his ears. on the contrary you may be the brightest of them all but if you're playing music with no feeling, that would make me better than you. yea i sound like an airhead, but i speak truth.

stop judging my clothes. umm, when you look like everyone else, shop like everyone else you start to look startlingly alike. so stop copying others and embrace what you really like wearing.

stop judging my personality. you have one too. they're all different. thats what makes us human. quite frankly sometimes your personality sucks. so does mine sometimes. you are no better than me. so don't judge it!

stop judging my insecurities. refer back to judging my personality. ditto.

stop judging my beliefs. ditto again.

so basically folks, you have the same faults as me. i have the same faults as you. judging others merely is trying to make yourself look better than the rest. and if not careful it will turn into really bad self-righteousness. i'll talk on that one sometime later.

 so stop it!

shame.

So I'm thinking. And trying.

trying to differentiate my efforts of remaining humble and peoples words and how they degrade me. Humbleness is a very calming feeling, and being degraded is anything but. And right now I'm not sure if i can find the difference. 

Its Frustrating.

love.

So on this day of love, I'd like to share a few observations/opinions about that little word we call love.

Courtship is anything you want it to be. I did a little searching and turns out that courting in short is just the dating period between now and when your married. Which includes basically anything you want. 

I've seen really good dating relationships and really bad courting relationships. I support neither. I prefer the term "relationship", because whenever you see that word you avert your mind to something deeper. When I hear the word dating, I automatically think break-up. Dating is too shallow. True courting (fundamentalist you-need-a-chaperone-every-waking-second-or-else!) is a lack of privacy. Boundaries are good, but if they hinder in getting to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with (aka having someone else watching you every second = zero privacy =  you don't know your future husband/wife like you should), courting is the wrong answer too.

I hold back love. Partially in fear of not getting what I should receive in return, and because I keep true feelings held back as well. Truth is, if you think you know what I'm feeling, you don't.

Most people let it go too freely. Referring to guy/girl. 

Most people don't let it go too freely. To the broken, the lost, the weary, we need to spread our love to others.

I can't wait to find true love. first and foremost our first love should always be our Savior, but then secondly that guy. That guy my Savior has for me, marriage, three kids, a dog, cozy house, a big trampoline, happiness. I want to fall in love with the life he has blessed me with : )

We underestimate the power of Gods love too frequently. 

I am unworthy of love.

Song of Songs is precious. 

I am currently finding love. In more ways than one, and its not what you think.

Keep on loving. Love your enemies. Catch them off guard. Make them wonder why.

I like.

Blogs are good. Because in reality, no one really cares and never looks at these things. Unless of course you are those bloggers with a million and one followers. But I don't happen to mind. If I'm the only one to draw benefit from my writings, so be it. But I hope that if you stumble upon me that you'll find a little benefit of your own.

Weakness.

Being the quiet, more reserved individual that I am, it is so much more natural for me to write out everything instead of talking to someone about it. I find writing everything down enables me to let everything go, rather than having someone keep interrupting me and asking me questions constantly if I merely speak my mind. 

So here's the predicament I was in this past week.

For the past few weeks, I was feeling particularly weak. Very weak actually. So many people were coming at me from all different angles telling me how I was doing things wrong, how my personality was a little off, and that I shouldn't be talking the way I'm talking, and not taking my opinion for all its worth. Now I'm one of these people that takes a grain of salt with everything ... everything. but for some reason this past month I felt belittled by what everyone was saying ... in doing so I didn't let my opinion out at all, and people were still condemning me for the little things in my life that they wanted to see change. Well sorry people but It doesn't work this way! Do you know how many times I want to tell people that their thinking is a little off, the way they handle things is so inappropriate or the way they speak to people needs improving greatly? No. I hold back. I have found that in this weakness of feeling belittled made me stronger. Its funny how God always seems to bring us the right verse at the exact moment we are most troubled "For my grace is sufficient for you, for power matures in weakness" 1 Corinthians 12:9. So in my time of quiet God revealed to me that its merely these people having self-righteousness. When they think what they say is always right, and whatever you say is good but not good enough. You can have an opinion, a strong opinion in some cases, but if you let it get to your head that our opinion reigns supreme, that means you've let self-righteousness in, and shut humility out. 

I found a lot of self-righteousness going around. When everyone thinks that their right, its not a great situation. I found myself getting messages from people saying "yea that person is a jerk" "that person isn't worth being around", and then it was even funnier when I got it in a line, how this person didn't like this person who hated that person and that person was a jerk according to this person.

So in talking about self-righteousness, please don't get any sense that I'm trying to proclaim my self-righteousness. In fact, I hope that I never have to deal with this issue in life. My goal is to try to find that humility, being the Lords servant, following in his ways and spreading his good news, all with a humble spirit.

a while ago.

you pushed your way inside

relentless strength

nowhere to go

nowhere to hide

but to let you come crashing in

then I let you make yourself comfortable

seeking shelter in my soul

then you escape

the imprint left on my heart

is a reminder

of the lasting impression you had on me

you fought your way up

broke through

I reached out my hand

you set upon it a stem of thorns

the shock of pain rips through 

how could you possibly go so low

as to greet me with pain

your heart is numb

your soul is stagnant

the wounds on my hand a constant reminder

to be strong in the Lord, and strong for myself

for you are cold.

untitled poetry #2

Whats left to lose

When the loss

Amounts to nothing

 

Whats left to offer

When the offering

Amounts to nothing

 

Whats left to choose

When the chosen

Scatter and fade

 

Whats left to desire

When the desires

Scatter and fade

 

 

 

Whats left to lose

When what you lose

Amounts to everything

 

Whats left to offer

When the offering

Amounts to everything

 

 

Whats left to choose

When the chosen

Strengthen and unite

 

Whats left to offer

When the offering

Amounts to nothing

In his eyes.

apprehension.

So is it just me or does no one care about marriage anymore. True, actual, marriage. Where you save yourself, marry one person, and stay with that one person 'till death do you part. It's lost! Well then I shall be the first to tell you I care. There is nothing more joyous to think about then finding him. Cherishing him. Loving him. With all my heart. Until the end. Alas, I still feel apprehensive. Its not the thought of it, its me feeling like I'm unworthy of such. The sacredness and the maturity of it all leaves me speechless. Do I deserve that Prince Charming that the most high has chosen for me? Well of course I do.

So the best advice on this subject I have found is:

Don't get into the mindset that "is he/she the right one for me?". Rather, set your mind on "have I prepared myself to be the best husband/wife that I can be?". So using this advice, (deep breath!) I turn all my attention away from looking for "the one". He's out there somewhere, and in God's perfect timing we will unite as one. In doing so, it's an easier goal to achieve of not letting myself go too fast, and cherishing when God does decide to send me my Prince Charming : )

So looking upon myself and not on my future prince, I find this:

1. I am a klutz by default when it comes to guys. From 5th to 10th grade I hardly interacted with the opposite sex at all! My experiences were basically really old men volunteering at the hospital and the occasional "hey hows it going" from a guy in youth group. Thats it. I gladly admit to unsocialization. So whenever I'm around guys, its weird; i still feel awkward. Trying to figure out that happy medium between being my happy self, not flirting and not ignoring is basically impossible for me.

2. I rarely flirt. Yes for some of you this is hard to believe, but when I say stuff that could be interpreted as flirting, I'm usually just being my random self. My really, really random self.

3. I am apprehensive. When I see guys that rush into relationships, it turns me off. I need a slow pace. Patience. Gentleness. I have a strong heart when it comes to purity, but when it comes to letting a guy into my heart, my heart is fragile as glass.

4. I need to grow up... in time : ) so as of right now, give me a break I'm still a teenager in high school. I want to enjoy teenage life (although tumultuous) to its fullest.

5. I know that God is readying my heart in due time. My prince, you will be perfect in his image. I as his princess, will be made perfect in his image. And I am praying that in his due time he shall bring us together; and the cohesion, the bonding of our flesh as one shall never be broken.

untitled poetry #1

Melt my heart

Like snow on a fair day

A time of white

A time of pure

Turns into a flood

From the fragility

To the overflowing

Melt my heart

Make it pliable

Remold the scars

The hurts 

The memories

Of you, sinful man

Then solidify my heart

Preserve this joy in me

Let it impede the awfulness of man

Their heartless actions

Their synthetic words

So melt my heart

When I am with you, my king

Let me be yielding in your presence

Or beget me

Fragile like snow

In your presence

Aspirations.

The sole reason I'm here is to keep my thoughts together. My thoughts are scattered through journals, scraps of paper, napkins, on the backs of pay stubs, etc. So here will be the one place I can for once keep them straight. I am not aiming to please anyone, and if you're offended, remember you offend people too. 

So here is my short introduction about me.

I'm a believer. So I wholeheartedly live for Him. Life is beautiful. Draw inspiration from his majesty. Live, Breathe and seek after Him. 

"Do not conform any longer to the ways of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, perfect will".

Romans 12:2