itunes.

Cleaned out my Itunes. I've spent all of six dollars for 750 songs, now six dollars for 600 songs. Confused? It's called free. Being frugal. Etc. Those 150 songs were junk in the trunk. Stuff I don't need infiltrating my mind like some kind of psychedelic mind reading whatever thingie. So yea. Let's keep it positive.

How bored

Can one individual become?? Hardly any work, I've graduated high school, and I'm just waiting for school to begin. How boring is that??

Fear.

Being the age that I am, I am finding it continuously hard to see the big picture for what God has in my life. I feel as if I see it all through blinders ... just seeing what's coming at me from the front, and no time to react to what's coming at me from each side. So in the fear of the unknown, I just feel lost. Like life won't turn out right, and that I'll end up living with my parents for the rest of my life and always being dependent on someone, something. Now don't get me wrong I want more than anything to be happily married, but I need independence from my family, the ones that raised me. And they need their independence just as much as I do.

Two biggest fears.

Fear of never gaining independence.

Fear of never finding my 2nd true love.

I shall never fear my 1st love will abandon me, betray me, hurt me, or tear me down, because he is my savior, God and King. My second love references to a husband no less. I would really like to find him someday.

Why.

Does it only take a few words to totally break down someone?

Dead and Gone.

Sickness is. Good thing because seriously I have better things to worry about. Bigger, deeper things to worry about. But who doesn't? And why do we worry? Well maybe lets just say I'm thinking about some certain things a little more than usual. This is going no where, so I'll add an inspirational quote to save the day,

"today is the tomorrow that we worried about yesterday".

There. Think about it.

So.

The thing about being sick is that you always feel so much better after you get well, remembering just how much you appreciate your health. I can't wait for that day right now. Blehhh.

Cynical.

I feel cynical today. For the past week in fact. I can't seem to pick out anything good, just the bad. It kind of sucks. Just seeing people for what they are wrong for makes me uneasy. Bleh. More to come.

Stuck.

As much as we love to hate our jobs, school, etc. It's good. I'm bored. 

Keeps the brain going and right now I'm in a fog.

I'm looking forward to school in the fall.

Yeah :)

Back.

And I'm wondering what to do. I finished "A Case For Faith". Really good theologically sound writing. I really have nothing more to say. Maybe besides ... never mind.

Hiatus/Vacay.

I'll be back in a week for all of my, um, one follower(s)

So

I feel good today.

Lets fall short

Stopping the meds today. Personal decision. I feel ok about it though, because

a) even if I stop Chick-Fil-A is still responsible for anything that happens

b) there's no sure bet I'll be in safe waters, I could still have it

c) the doctor said the meds should have been taken day 1

d) I have peace. God gave me peace.

Still have to draw blood though. That isn't cool ... almost passed out in the examination room, and then I threw up. Just jolly stuff (not). I'll try not holding my breath next time.

God is with us.

TMI

So second doctors visit. I 1) am three seconds away from totally passing out and 2) I throw up. I hate this. I could stop the medications at any time with no problem but I couldn't help but think what would happen if I would just take one more dose ... maybe that will be the one to stop what I potentially have. So with my mind spinning in circles and my stomach squirming every which way, I bid you farelwell (goodnight, I'm definitely not leaving).

Still waiting.

It takes commitment to stay patient. I won't know for another 12 months if I'm totally free of any diseases such as HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis, etc. Not knowing leaves me constantly on a slight edge, but the Lord says that with patience comes endurance.

He will help me endure.

prevention.

So on day three of preventative measures against HIV/AIDS. It sucks. I've never been on meds heavier than penicillin so eleven pills a day is starting to have a big effect on me ... it's draining to say the least. But it's prevention. If there was no such thing as prevention, can you imagine how much different life would be?? We as human love having control over things, making sure our plans, our hopes, our dreams, and everything we don't want in life is controlled. Without prevention, there would be such a lack of control. There would be no such thing as medicine, no such thing as vaccines. No such thing as hurricane proof glass, pressure treated lumber, anti-virus software. 

Thank God for prevention.

To him be the glory.

In an instant.

In an instant, life changes. One minute I'm a happy healthy 18 year old, the next minute I could be headed down a path of destructive diseases such as HIV/AIDS or hepatitis due to picking up a piece of plastic off the floor which ended up being a needle. So God really slowed me down, saying "hey look who's in control"? He is. I can't be. He will always have more control than me, even though at times it's so easy to forget.

So as this year progresses, I'll be waiting on the Lord. I start a month of heavy drugs today, and a definite year of abstinence. I've known all my life I've wanted to stay pure till marriage, but this is the cherry on top. Even having a chance of giving someone something that I have a chance of having, I would never rest well. So abstinence it is.

I will wait on you, Lord.

Here.

God is here.

Not just here, but within us.

Hard to believe.

Believe it.

It gives me joy.

Woohoo!

I am content

I am overjoyed

I am happy

I am enjoying every moment of it :)

So I'm kinda ticked.

I'm one of those people that gets ticked when people don't see the obvious.

God is not just an experience that happens every once and a while.

God is here. Everywhere. Omnipresent.

And he just doesn't show up when you feel like it.

God is there all the time. So when you have the mindset going into events like a retreat or a camp thinking "God's going to do marvelous things for me", but you only think these things because of a camp?? Come on. God can do miraculous things for you anywhere, anytime, anyplace. It's sad seeing people that treat God as simply an emotion, rather than what he really is ... our Father. That's why people get emotionally "high" leaving these functions and a few weeks later they're back in their old ways of complacency. 

God is not a feeling. Nor an emotion. 

He is our creator, our master, our healer, the one who brought us life. Treating him as a mere emotion tears me to shreds. He's our Father ... our all knowing Father. Run, but you can't hide.

God is love.

hands.

My life is in your hands.

If I leave it within my own, I falter.

If I leave it with you, my friend, you can't hold on forever.

But when I leave my life in my Heavenly Father's hands

There is Peace. Confirmation. Rest. Hope. Freedom. Joy. Comfort. Ease.

Us.

People are stuck in a rut.

Going to church makes you no more of a Christian than someone who doesn't. 

We can't let four walls define who we are.

Being a Christian is what's inside us.

Church is merely a place to learn.

We can meet God in worship anywhere.

We can meet God in prayer anytime.

God dwells within us.

That is what makes us a Christian.

Stagnant.

So what happens when you feel like a stagnant pond of stagnant (not necessarily gross, just not anything bright and colorful, just there) water. And then someone throws a big boulder into your stagnant water. Well, nothing. After the shock of it, you go back to being stagnant.

I need some ducks on my pond. To keep me flowing. Going. Getting. 

yea.

Why do I always feel I have to apologize for every little thing I do that you find slightly off...

You do things that are slightly off...

Which puts you in the same boat as me...

At the end of the day...the slates are cleared.

At the end of the day we all end up worrying about what we did...

And the others, they're worried about what they did too...

So at the end of the day...

We don't remember what others did...

We hold shame and guilt upon ourselves...

"How could I be so stupid"...

When in reality...

That's what everyone else is thinking.

untitled prayer #1

So God, here's my life. A selfish mind in need of cleaning, because being this way makes me sick. Literally. Wash it clean and focus it solely on you. Because you deserve all of me, not just the parts I'm willing to sacrifice. Make me willing to sacrifice all of me, not just when it's convenient or the right thing to do. Help me reject apathy and let the world see you through me. I find it a blessing when people come up to me and ask me what's so different about me. 

Help me want to bless others. I still have this shell, this box I'm surrounded by. Give me a soft heart for the broken, the hungry, the lost. Let money never be my safety net or my guide, rather take it and use it to your will, because it was never mine in the first place. Wrap me in your love, a love like no other, a love that no one else can match or surpass. Because you are the only one that can fill the deepest voids of my heart, revive my soul and refresh my spirit. restore the joy of your salvation, one that no other can give. 

Don't ever let me take you for granted, because you are the way, the truth and the light.

Oprah makes me mad.

So you ask why I was watching Oprah in the first place. Duh there's never anything on TV so Oprah it was. So she was talking about marriage and motherhood and she made a comment something like this ---

"so in a nurturing relationship between a husband and wife (which when does this happen anymore)"?

Holy freakin crap Oprah you are so single/feminist/aloof. There are nurturing relationships out there but you're stuck up in your little multi-million dollar business which has nothing to do with family values. Step down to the level of a middle class family and you will find some wonderful examples of nurturing relationships between people. You and all your feminist friends need to chill and keep your brash opinions to yourself. I have strong opinions but I choose to keep them quiet or write them here where no one cares to look. 

ps America isn't based on what Oprah thinks (although that's what she'd like to believe). Sigh.

Thank you pt. III

Thank you to all the makeup commercials that suggest you can get a flawless face from using their product. Silly as this might seem, we as women seek to find perfection like this to be loved, and given attention. But when these products fall short, we get frustrated. When we see the women on the commercials that are so airbrushed and the lighting is set just right, you achieve the "flawless face". In reality, its impossible. When I see this "object of perfection", I turn away in shame. It's what I want to look like, yet I come up so short. Thankfully beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that eye is our Father God.

Thank you pt. II

Thank you to all the rich spoiled kids that put themselves on a platform higher than everyone else's. 

Money doesn't make you any better than the rest of us. 

Your clothes? Overpriced, yet skanky ... paying more for less usually doesn't make sense. 

Your car? Just because I drive something "old" and "ugly" doesn't mean its not a car. It works fine. Just because yours costs three times as much doesn't make it any better.

Having a cup of Starbucks in your hand constantly, it makes you look like an idiot.

having skin with the hue of a carrot and hair the shade of blinding white sand driving a brand new beamer that your parents bought you does not convey true wealth. Worldly wealth yes, but ---

True wealth is what we have stored up for us in heaven. And I have a pretty good idea that new beamers aren't going to be involved in that package. But the package. Will be beyond words. To say the least.

Thank you pt. I

Thank you to all the people that think supermodels have the "ideal" body image.

No I will not grow 4 more inches for you.

No I will not lose 30 more pounds to fit into that size 0.

No I won't use more makeup than necessary.

No I do not appreciate me being stereotyped as too fat and too short.

No I am not too fat and too short. Your standards are far too much.

No I will not conform to your ways. Because your ways are sick.

Makings.

The start of a song to stick to another bit of a song and hopefully make a complete song.

Times moving so slowly

But the days fly by so fast

With nothing more than a glimpse

His love will never last

Yes. Its the makings of something.

So music.

There is no such thing as bad music. What you consider to be "bad music" is merely your opinion.

The term "Christian music" is too confined. The mainstream church has a lot to say about music, and it's a shame. So it's like this --- there's "Church music" --- the music churches use in their services, and if it doesn't mention God's name or the meaning isn't 100% crystal clear, the church usually either shies away from it or condemns it at face value. In my opinion, artists and the songs they write which aren't filled with God, Jesus, holy, spirit, or Lord every other word they sing, are better.

Reason is being that once you find the deeper meaning to a song, its message goes so much more deeper than this shallowness broadcasted in churches across the world. I don't condemn what churches are doing, I just question whether or not they're taking in the whole spectrum of the christian music industry. Because there is truly too much music that gets overlooked because it's "too secular" for the church. What the church needs to realize here is that they are not perfect nor self-righteous. When the leaders go around preaching their stuff that "oh this music is bad and you should be listening to 'christian music' because this 'christian music' isn't 'clean enough' or something you shouldn't be listening to', it frustrates me. Step off your pedestal and come down to the level of everyone else; your music isn't perfect either.

Our opinions vs.

God's actual truth.

Trying to find it.

It's hard.

I know its there though.

Epic. Myabe.

So I've never really had "a list" of what I wanted my dream husband to be, but I was reading up on the topic and I found these to be quite the necessities.

---To control tears is only a selfish attempt to save face. If you really want to reflect Jesus, cry. Jesus wept. This gives you no reason to hold back.

---To control anger, however, is to exercise true authority and self control, allowing you to fulfill your protective role by make those around you feel more secure. 

"Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city". Proverbs 16:32

Not to sound overly demanding here, but this was a quote written by a man on how to truly love your wife, 

"So if you truly love your wife - and to do so is a divine requirement - you will not only refuse to put her down or to hold her back, you will long to empower her to thrive in every area of life. And any way in which she surpasses you will make you proud".

That's what I want.

In return, I give you my all.

Everything is yours.

May God be the center.

Of our lives.

As one flesh.

To him be the glory.

Wrong?

What's wrong is putting God in a box we call church. God was never meant to be confined in a shell as what the dictionary defines as "church".

The church is a body of believers, a body, consisting of many parts, with God living in each of us. It's the God in each of us that unites us, not a "church". That's a box. The real church is us. The people. We could meet under a bridge and it would still be church. We could meet in a grocery store, and we'd still be the church. And it's the fellowship among us with fellow believer that makes us who we are. Not a "church", the church. Us. United.

I'm not suggesting church is bad, it's actually a very beneficial thing. Just keep God the focus, and don't let a pile of bricks and steel with a steeple define who you are.

I can't.

I have no creativity at this point in time. I tried, but I don't have it now. I know I have it, but it froze ... I'll have something to say. Eventually.

Same time tomorrow.

Your fault?

Nope. Not my fault either.

So. There is one major problem with homeschoolers. And no its not being social misfits. Because nowadays most homeschoolers have a life, and a decent one at that. Yes there are still the really far out ones, but they like things that way. So leave them alone.

Homeschoolers are too defensive. When people talk about them, they get all defensive saying they lived the same life socially that a public school kid had. Homeschoolers you are w-r-o-n-g. Homeschooling is a far cry from public school so don't compare yourself to them. And all you other folks? Don't get on their case. They are socialized just fine. It's just different than what you're used to. And what you're used to isn't necessarily the best way either. And since studies have proven that we as human have become more isolated within the past 20 years. Uh, that includes you too public schoolers. 

So as the neutral third party here (I am gladly a non-defensive homeschooler) --- stop complaining about sheltered homeschoolers you public schoolers, and stop trying to defend yourself homeschoolers.

Frustrations.

So a while back I was reliant on others approval ... constantly worrying what people thought of me. It worried me literally sick. I've gotten over that though, and within the past few days I'm turning into the opposite. I could really care less now. I'm finding God is sufficient in every way in my life, and I don't need any of you to tell me I'm fine. I know that for myself now. 

So as I've stepped back, and God revealing to me just how big he is, I'm now frustrated with some things, some people.

I'm frustrated with people that feel that their entitled to so much more than everyone else because they're richer, "more beautiful" (in quotes because their idea of true beauty [bleached hair, fake tan, fake nails, etc.] is skewed), or "smarter" (in quotes because a lot of times this is in reality them thinking their --opinions-- are better and more superior then the rest). They are no better than the homeless man on the street corner, the woman waiting in line for welfare, or the family that goes hungry every night.

I'm frustrated with the boastful. The ones that go around flaunting their riches, their smarts, their looks. Sometimes they don't realize it, but they do. When you're like me who was never the smartest, beautiful person with money, the rich look down upon me. I don't need their "oh I feel so sorry for you" looks. Truth is, I have all the riches I need in heaven, true beauty is in the eye of the beholder (aka God, who has made us perfect) and I'm way smarter than you because street smarts (working hard for my money instead of your wealthy parents feeding it to you on a gold spoon) outshine you and your addiction to yourself.

I'm frustrated with selfishness. After finding the selfishness within myself, God keeps revealing truly how selfish this world is. We care about ourselves. Period. When we help the least of these --- the lonely, the hurting, the hungry --- we are really helping our savior. Humble yourself.

I'm frustrated with stupidity. Because some people just don't care. When you don't care, you're stupid. Sorry to break it to you.

I'm frustrated with you thinking your doctrine is THE only way it should be. Sorry to break it to you again but it's still just your opinion. So stop shoving it down my throat. I have the right to believe what I want to believe. And it's probably different from yours. Get over it. As long as we are still serving the same God, we'll be ok.

Untitled poetry #5

He's therre

there laying

laying down

down dead

dead dreams

dreams shattered

shattered life

life cut

cut short

short lived

lived alone

alone, desperate

desperate crying

crying silent

silent hope

hope derailed

derailed abruptly

abruptly aborted.

Love Lets Live. Abort73.com

Near.

1

So it comes down to this

A bird with no wings

It's the end of the road dear

Bow out gracefully

Do yourself no harm

Fall asleep.

2

Like pencil on paper

Your fate is never sealed

Within the confines of time

The present is here

Past actions have deceased

Spread your wings, take flight.

But don't let go (that road has ended)

of me               (which road will you choose)

Dream once more

open your eyes, shoulders high

advance slowly now

As always dear, know I'm near

letter #5 - last one.

Do I dare say I may be one of the easiest people to please? I don't require the fanciness and frills. For instance:

I hate big houses. They're too lonely. I don't care how rich we are, we live in a small cozy house.

I couldn't stand driving a brand new shiny car. Well I could, but when it comes to life I am perfectly fine driving something used and loved. Anything expensive appeals to me no much more than a well worn mid-sized sedan.

I don't need to be showered with gifts. Your love is sufficient for me. Not to say that the occasional bouquet of flowers is unappreciated, but worldly things don't satisfy me quite like the love you will shower down upon me.

I don't need a bunch of fancy clothes. Unless of course you're a social butterfly with social gatherings left and right and you require me to, I'll gladly take jeans and a t-shirt any day.

I don't like wearing silky things. Weird, yes. Don't buy me silky things. Cotton is a miracle because it makes cozy things like denim and flannel : )

As long as I'm kept fed, I could care less about eating out all the time. Time spent in the kitchen is the best time. More creativeness makes me happy : )

All we need is each other and the rest just kind of falls into place as merely stuff. Which I kind of care less about. 

I love you dearly.

Your bride

letter #4

My dearest husband.

From a very young age I knew there was a few qualities in a guy that I wanted. Here's a few of them:

Not a biker. Or one that acts like it.

Not a workaholic businessman.

Not a rich man.

Maybe a musician. I always found traveling fascinating.

Maybe an artist. They come with brilliant imaginations.

Maybe a teacher. I love learning.

As of recent: no cell phone glued to your head, no being overly shy (you have to compensate for me), nice looking but not Calvin Klein model (they're not my type at all), and no addictions.

Smile darling, smile. It lengthens your life.

Your bride.

letter #3

My dearest husband.

 

Save yourself for me.

Save yourself because your body is not yours, but the Lords. You are his temple. 

Save yourself for us.

Save yourself because in doing so you've overcome your selfish fleshly desires.

Save yourself from you. 

I'm saving myself.

Your bride

letter #2

My dearest husband.

It's funny. We both look at the same moon, the same stars, believe in the same God that unites us, pray for each other yet we don't even know who we are. Because we're not a "we", yet. But we still think of each other like we know the person. I'm hoping God shows me who you are soon, at least meeting, knowing each other. Then again, I think when we meet, we'll know. When God gives me peace about something, it's totally meant to be. I question a lot of things, but when he gives me peace, I stop, am still, find out that's what he really wants. I still remain a little impatient though. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I'm praying we find each other in God's perfect timing, and seek God before we seek each other. For when we keep him the center of our lives, it sets our relationship on a solid rock, beaten and battered yes but never destroyed.

I secretly dream of us always as the two Banana Republic models in the window.

Your bride.

letter #1

My dearest husband.

The ties that bind us together our strong, yet unnoticeable at the time. You are but a silhouette in my mind, a reminder of the good days to come. Much anticipation is building in me, although this time of you + me is still far in the distance. For now, reach for God, not for me. I'll be doing the same thing right along with you. When we find each other, we shall then find out to reach each other, we have to find each other through our savior, our ultimate love.

When it comes to love, love is all I have to offer in my life. I don't come with wealth, a car, abundant talent, or the beauty of a model. All I have to offer is my undying, passionate, submissive love for you. It's humbling, almost shameful at times that I don't have anything more to offer. But when God brings us two together, I know that he will make me sufficient in your eyes. 

Your bride. 

uhhh

I have nothing to say tonight. No words to express my feelings inside. No words to condemn. No words to build up. No words of love, hate, sorrow, anguish, fear, happiness, joy, desire, passion, mediocrity.

Let God talk, and you be the listener.

Ezra.

"one could not distinguish the voice of the shout of joy, 

from the noise of the weeping of the people;...."

Ezra 3:13

Coming from one of Pastor Allen's previous messages, he spent a whole night talking on this verse; how the priests had restored the holy altars, and all the emotions were so overwhelming. The weeping of the people was merely bittersweet; they were restoring the temple the altars, what was most sacred to them. Then Pastor Allen said something that will resonate in my mind for years to come.

"If tears and laughter can come so close together, maybe joy from your sorrows is closer than you think".

untitled poetry #4

finding your heart

among angels

hope is rising

within me

your heart is half

half is mine

hope has risen

among angels

my heart is half

half is yours

hope has risen

the angels rejoice

thinkings.

I love differing opinions. Yes it causes much strife in this world, but when we can talk about them in civilized ways, it truly makes either side more intelligent. It makes us human.

We would be so boring if we all had the same opinions. So there.

untitled poetry #3

this way to nowhere

your reality is found

clouds point the direction

in daylight, in sunshine

fire points the direction

in darkness, under moonlight

underway, the traveling begins

the way to nowhere

is lined with trees

trees with no leaves

bare as a reminder

this season has changed.

Senses.

We have five of them, so here's five random sentences about my five senses.

Seeing.

I love the comic strip Pearls Before Swine. I have a daily calendar and I catch them in the paper. They're amazing.

I love watching the weather. No, not the weather channel (booooring!). The weather. Outside. Whether it's windy, raining, snowing, it's a feast for the eyes.

I love watching kids play on playgrounds.

I love looking at a complex math problem and making it work.

I love looking at art. But I rarely visit art museums. Because I don't look at one thing for long.

Smelling.

Fresh sheets.

Pumping gas.

After a thunderstorm.

Fresh bread (who doesn't?)

Food. In general.

Tasting.

Coolwhip (I've downed a whole tub before, it's that good).

A good salad.

Noodles.

Peanut butter straight out of the jar.

Health food (not all of it for sure, but a lot of it).

Hearing.

Music. Of all sorts.

Weather. Again. Especially thunderstorms.

Coffee shops. They always sound good.

Whispers. Particularly the ones finding my ear.

Bells. Any kind.

Feeling.

Barefeet. I HATE socks. Shoes are necessary though. But anytime I can, it's barefeet.

A human's touch.  

Fresh paper.

My fuzzy blanket.

Warmth.

he loves us.

We are His portion 

and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption

by the grace in His eyes,

If grace is an ocean, 

we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth 

like a passionate kiss,
And my heart turns violently 

inside of my chest,
I don’t have time 

to maintain these regrets, 
When I think about, 

the way ... 

He loves us. We as human underestimate this fact way too much. People there is a God out there that created us in his image and made us his choice possession out of all the beautiful things he created on this earth. Us! Filthy, unclean, undeserving sinners. Yet he loves us with more love than anything, anything we could even start to fathom!

He loves us.

Sorry. Random.

Hi. My name is (it doesn't matter), I hate wearing socks and I am extremely ticklish.

What little hope I left aside for our president is quickly fading. All the radicals saying he's so amazing need to settle down just a bit. We are not going to be able to cut our national debt in half by spending like there's no tomorrow. The media like him ... too much. That's all I ever see anymore. It drives me up the wall. And since when has it become a positive thing? with our previous president, the media and the press had a hayday with his problems. With the current situation, they push those things under the rug to put in happier stories such as some basketball player giving him one of his autographed shoes. I didn't need to know that. Good to know the media takes sides. Grrrr.

ps I'm in a very happy mood right now. 

more opinion.

Drinking.

No kids this isn't the "drink 8 glasses or half your body weight in ounces of water" kinda drinking, I'm talking alcohol.

Truthfully, I don't have a problem with it. I don't consider it wrong, I don't consider it a sin, I don't think it should be something condemned --- within reason. But I do believe that its something that should be used with extreme caution.

I take into consideration a few things. People drank quite frequently in the bible. Then again, sometimes clean water that didn't taste like mud was hard to come by. So they made their own beverages such as wine. But these drinks were hardly enough to even get a buzz off of. If my memory serves me right (correct me if i'm wrong) it took 8 cups of biblical "wine" to equal a glass of modern day wine. So when the bible says someone got drunk, it took them a looong time to get that way. In modern day, it takes a lot less for you to start heading downhill. So for today's average human, we have to use extreme caution.

Second of all, 1 Corinthians 6:12. "All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything". So to break this apart, all things are lawful.  Ok, and not all things are profitable. There is profit to light drinking, certain health benefits come from drinking, but when it comes to the "I will not be mastered by anything" part, this is where most people falter. I have witnessed first hand the effects of people letting alcoholism control their lives. It truly is a depressing thing. But if we are willing to put forth a little self-control, I think we can look past the dark and see that there actually is a little light. 

This is not to say "go and drink your heart out". No. That's wrong. Moderation is key here.

I've chosen not to drink yet because, well first I'm underage and I choose to abide by the law. Secondly I'll admit I don't want to drink with people my age. They end up drunk, hungover, and sometimes in situations caused by a temporary lapse of thinking ... and I think you know where I'm getting at. When I finally get that chance to grow up, it may be something I start. Then again I may abstain. I'm not sure about that one yet. But I think it'll all come down to my husband. Yep, I am a submissive person. If he drinks, I'll probably drink. If he chooses not to, I will 100% back him and gladly be as one with him. If he's a heavy drinker, well, I won't even be in that kind of relationship. I am reminded of the verse "Wives, submit to your husbands..."

Conclusion, let the last part of 1 Corinthians 6:12 be your guide "...but I will not be mastered by anything". Don't let alcohol be your master. Don't let it own you. But if you proceed with caution and use it to your advantage, I think when used wisely, drinking can have advantages. Only minor at best though. But sometimes even minor advantages are valuable things.

Why I wait.

Ephesians 5:31

"...and the two will become one flesh". I was doing a little studying up on this topic and come to find out there is not a whole lot of biblical meaning to a wedding ceremony; it was always a wedding feast or party. Yes you have the piece of paper to prove that yes indeed you are married. But back to the verse. I'll put it this way ... God intended sex to bind us in marriage. It's giving of our bodies ... the biggest of sacrifices ... to each other. When a man and a woman come together like this, they are then considered one flesh. So to have relations with another like this is truly giving of your whole self, and if it ends up in a broken relationship, what happens then? It's a broken relationship at the deepest level, the deepest level of spirituality, the deepest bond created by humans. In the dictionary, purity is defined as "free from guilt, evil; innocence". I can't imagine the guilt that would follow a breakup of the joining of flesh.

This is why I wait.

White.

I like white things.

Coolwhip.

Snow.

Fresh paper.

Miraclewhip.

White paint.

A wedding dress.

White roses.

Lotion.

My happy shirts in the mail.

The whites of your eyes.

That color that you get when the sun reflects on the ocean.

Sand.

Me in the wintertime.

The backs of stickers.

Clouds.

Marshmallows.

Fresh sheets.

Mashed potatoes.

Swans.

White chocolate anything.

The inside of a ding dong : D

Cake.

And its frosting.

2% milk.

Lines on the road.

The moon.

The stars.

Flag of surrender.

More to come folks.

um.

So a little bit off my rant. I hate feeling belittled by people that I care about. There is a difference from constructive criticism and belittlement. I accept constructive criticism gladly. Belittlement is a frustration. Yes these are words you hear all the time .... "God made me unique, you unique, it makes us each as special as the rest". Sigh. Stop putting yourself on a pedestal and thinking that picking on a vulnerable and easily beaten down person like me will make you feel any better. God won't allow it to work that way.

I'm bitter at the moment. With God's help I can fight my way through this. With mans help ... But wait ... there is no help to be found within man. So by God's strength alone I shall find comfort and rest.

Amen.

teenage rants.

yep, I like them. Good to let off steam every once and a while. So if you don't want to hear a rant, with all do respect don't read this. But if you'd like to hear what i think, then by all means read ahead.

People need to stop being so vocally judgmental.

and not like this is very obvious to the judger either. they intertwine it with their normal conversation. its annoying. so...

stop judging my school. yes being home educated has its drawbacks but I stuck with it for a reason. Just because you believe different doesn't make your way of education any different or better than mine.

stop judging my music. yes I may not be the brightest piano/keyboard player of the bunch, in fact i know so, but don't be telling me that in my face. I don't tell you that your fashion sense is despicable, or your paintings are horrific, so don't go condemning my music. any music played for God is music in his ears. on the contrary you may be the brightest of them all but if you're playing music with no feeling, that would make me better than you. yea i sound like an airhead, but i speak truth.

stop judging my clothes. umm, when you look like everyone else, shop like everyone else you start to look startlingly alike. so stop copying others and embrace what you really like wearing.

stop judging my personality. you have one too. they're all different. thats what makes us human. quite frankly sometimes your personality sucks. so does mine sometimes. you are no better than me. so don't judge it!

stop judging my insecurities. refer back to judging my personality. ditto.

stop judging my beliefs. ditto again.

so basically folks, you have the same faults as me. i have the same faults as you. judging others merely is trying to make yourself look better than the rest. and if not careful it will turn into really bad self-righteousness. i'll talk on that one sometime later.

 so stop it!

shame.

So I'm thinking. And trying.

trying to differentiate my efforts of remaining humble and peoples words and how they degrade me. Humbleness is a very calming feeling, and being degraded is anything but. And right now I'm not sure if i can find the difference. 

Its Frustrating.

love.

So on this day of love, I'd like to share a few observations/opinions about that little word we call love.

Courtship is anything you want it to be. I did a little searching and turns out that courting in short is just the dating period between now and when your married. Which includes basically anything you want. 

I've seen really good dating relationships and really bad courting relationships. I support neither. I prefer the term "relationship", because whenever you see that word you avert your mind to something deeper. When I hear the word dating, I automatically think break-up. Dating is too shallow. True courting (fundamentalist you-need-a-chaperone-every-waking-second-or-else!) is a lack of privacy. Boundaries are good, but if they hinder in getting to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with (aka having someone else watching you every second = zero privacy =  you don't know your future husband/wife like you should), courting is the wrong answer too.

I hold back love. Partially in fear of not getting what I should receive in return, and because I keep true feelings held back as well. Truth is, if you think you know what I'm feeling, you don't.

Most people let it go too freely. Referring to guy/girl. 

Most people don't let it go too freely. To the broken, the lost, the weary, we need to spread our love to others.

I can't wait to find true love. first and foremost our first love should always be our Savior, but then secondly that guy. That guy my Savior has for me, marriage, three kids, a dog, cozy house, a big trampoline, happiness. I want to fall in love with the life he has blessed me with : )

We underestimate the power of Gods love too frequently. 

I am unworthy of love.

Song of Songs is precious. 

I am currently finding love. In more ways than one, and its not what you think.

Keep on loving. Love your enemies. Catch them off guard. Make them wonder why.

I like.

Blogs are good. Because in reality, no one really cares and never looks at these things. Unless of course you are those bloggers with a million and one followers. But I don't happen to mind. If I'm the only one to draw benefit from my writings, so be it. But I hope that if you stumble upon me that you'll find a little benefit of your own.

Weakness.

Being the quiet, more reserved individual that I am, it is so much more natural for me to write out everything instead of talking to someone about it. I find writing everything down enables me to let everything go, rather than having someone keep interrupting me and asking me questions constantly if I merely speak my mind. 

So here's the predicament I was in this past week.

For the past few weeks, I was feeling particularly weak. Very weak actually. So many people were coming at me from all different angles telling me how I was doing things wrong, how my personality was a little off, and that I shouldn't be talking the way I'm talking, and not taking my opinion for all its worth. Now I'm one of these people that takes a grain of salt with everything ... everything. but for some reason this past month I felt belittled by what everyone was saying ... in doing so I didn't let my opinion out at all, and people were still condemning me for the little things in my life that they wanted to see change. Well sorry people but It doesn't work this way! Do you know how many times I want to tell people that their thinking is a little off, the way they handle things is so inappropriate or the way they speak to people needs improving greatly? No. I hold back. I have found that in this weakness of feeling belittled made me stronger. Its funny how God always seems to bring us the right verse at the exact moment we are most troubled "For my grace is sufficient for you, for power matures in weakness" 1 Corinthians 12:9. So in my time of quiet God revealed to me that its merely these people having self-righteousness. When they think what they say is always right, and whatever you say is good but not good enough. You can have an opinion, a strong opinion in some cases, but if you let it get to your head that our opinion reigns supreme, that means you've let self-righteousness in, and shut humility out. 

I found a lot of self-righteousness going around. When everyone thinks that their right, its not a great situation. I found myself getting messages from people saying "yea that person is a jerk" "that person isn't worth being around", and then it was even funnier when I got it in a line, how this person didn't like this person who hated that person and that person was a jerk according to this person.

So in talking about self-righteousness, please don't get any sense that I'm trying to proclaim my self-righteousness. In fact, I hope that I never have to deal with this issue in life. My goal is to try to find that humility, being the Lords servant, following in his ways and spreading his good news, all with a humble spirit.

a while ago.

you pushed your way inside

relentless strength

nowhere to go

nowhere to hide

but to let you come crashing in

then I let you make yourself comfortable

seeking shelter in my soul

then you escape

the imprint left on my heart

is a reminder

of the lasting impression you had on me

you fought your way up

broke through

I reached out my hand

you set upon it a stem of thorns

the shock of pain rips through 

how could you possibly go so low

as to greet me with pain

your heart is numb

your soul is stagnant

the wounds on my hand a constant reminder

to be strong in the Lord, and strong for myself

for you are cold.